From Pain to Healing

For about 31/2 - 4 years I cut, I purged, I burned, I digested numerous amounts of pills, I cursed myself, I hit myself, I pulled skin off, hair out. I was just completely destroying me. Just because I didn't want to feel I didn't want to remember. I didn't want to just simply be me . I wanted to disappear and end it all. I saw myself as a failure, ugly, untalented, abused, misused, miserable, depressed, misunderstood and most of all a FAILURE.
Life to me showed no purpose.
Life to me was literally a living hell.
Life to me was Hell.
Life to me was like being in a bubble.
Life to me was lonely.
Life to me was sad.
Life to me was dark.
Life for me had no stability, anywhere. I felt lost in my body, none in my home, none in my school, none in my friends. NOWHERE. I felt like nothing about me mattered. Everything I did was wrong. Everything I wanted to do I couldn't because I was too dumb, too stupid, too immature, too sassy, too ugly to achieve anything in this life time. I felt like I wouldn't amount to anything like my life was lost in the world lost to the point I didn't know who I was or what I was. Everyday when I woke up I felt my life drifting away. Day by Day the life I had was the life that seemed to be demination.

One day there was a change something happened that made my life seems like it did matter. I reunited with a friend I hadn't spoken to in a very long time. He was always around I just never said anything that mattered, anything that was on my heart, anything that would make my life better. Till one Saturday in May of 2006, during the youth retreat with my church. That night I decided to really trust God like really not that fake stuff but really trust God for whom is truly is, with everything (well I'm still working on that everything part but I will get there.) That night was amazing. Earlier on in that day I wasn't feeling very good because one of my friends or so called friends were really getting on my nerves. So that made me feel a little down and since I was struggling with my own life issues I wasn't being a very good camper. I started to withdraw myself from everyone. I just closed myself up and try yet again not to feel. It worked for a while but a counselor noticed I didn't look to happy so she asked what was wrong but I couldn't utter a word I just cried. Even after I was done crying she still didn't know what was wrong with me. During the service that seemed like it took forever she and other counselors prayed for me and other youth that night but she focused a lot on me that night and since that night I haven't cut myself (well not on purpose anyway).I'm not saying I didn't have the urge to but I didn't because one of my newly found sisters said something that reminded me of the retreat and how I was freed from it then. As a matter of fact since then I have been attacked by the devil everyday. He has tried to take my life a numerous amount of times.He tried to destroy me through rape, making a latter fall on me, broken glass or turning my parents against me so I would leave home.
Glory be to God those things didn't kill me they just shook me for a while but I recovered and I discovered that through all this I am strong. Stronger than ever. Now I am happier, I am trying to enjoy the rest of my life with God.

I wrote this on December 7, 2006